The Alternative Pope

As predicted, the media has already tried to diminish the new pope and it is quite ridiculous: he "served in the Nazi army" (despite the fact there was no such thing), he is "too old," "controversial," "divisive," and "polarizing."

Supposedly there are "so many Catholics" out there that wanted someone else to bring reforms. So I'm giving the media what they want - an alternative pope:

Today, April 19, 2005, the Vatican Conclave decided on a new leader - Pope Andrew Sullivan. He was cheered by millions of secularists, atheists, Muslims and media personnel, as well as a few progressive Catholics around the world.

Pope Sullivan promises to bring dramatic change to a Church that is looking for a new direction. While some far-right extremists may be disappointed by the selection, Sullivan will certainly embrace bold and constructive new ideas to the papacy (which will now include his life partner). There will be no more assault on those who choose to participate in gay marriage and abortion.

Sullivan proclaimed, "I am excited. The previous pope mistakenly said that he was God's representative - I want to be the people's representative and really make the Church more modern. I think I understand the will of the West a lot better than past popes. The world has changed, and so too, must God's commandments."

Chris Matthews was delighted - "Finally we have someone who isn't beholden to the arcane rules of the Church and words within the Bible. This is great for secularists and people of all religions - well, except Catholics."

Maureen Dowd was also pleasantly surprised. "It's about time we found someone who doesn't discuss the negative idea of "sin" as much as past popes. I hope he has the guts to remove all symbols of religion around the world, starting with the U.S."

The ACLU espressed joy at the selection of Pope Sullivan. "Sullivan promises to outlaw all Catholics who try to pray anywhere outside their own homes. Finally - one of us!"

PETA wasn't quite sure about the selection: "We're hoping that Sullivan discusses doggie heaven more than past popes; we've really been alienated."

All you MSM types and opponents to Pope Benedict, print out this post - because it is the closest you will get to your desired selection. (For all you who think I was too tough on Sullivan, just read his idiotic post. And Professor Bainbridge's reply.)