Simpsons Friday

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?

Homer: To Start Press Any Key. Where's the ANY key?

Lisa: [reading] "Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?
Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something.

Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.

Chief Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, I believe your husband is DOA....
Marge: HE'S DEAD?!!
Wiggum: Oh, no, that's DWI. I always get these police terms mixed up.
Women in Police Station: Hi, you said my husband was DWL....

Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

Ralph Wiggum: Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers. Unless they do. This one does. Ouch!

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?!!
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.